I’m walking when I should be sleeping.
I’ve tried out-walking my shadow
And it only got farther ahead.
I saw my breath in the air
And I am convinced it was pieces of my soul
Being pulled from my body.
I find myself constantly thinking about how I could die today.
Nothing normal either.
Malnutrition, sleep deprivation, exhaustion.
The only normal one:
a fucking car accident.
I eat one meal a day because its all i can stomach.
The hours after work are spent hyper focusing on
Anything besides the buzzing in my
A manic acceleration of daily life at the speed of light on fucking cocaine.
(Its a metaphor, I don’t use cocaine)
I feel like I’m constantly on the verge of tears
But they’re swallowed by the clock in my head and turned into liquid nuclear fusion
Ionizing my neurons with bursts of gamma rays.
A mass of swirling breathing violent particles
decimating each other until I’m
A star collapsing on itself the day after its formation
Into the most super massive black hole in the universe
I hold metal strings until my fingers bleed
And I’m getting really good at it.
I move everyday as a passenger in this vessel
Sitting precariously at the edge of
A cliff inside my own head
And burdened with constant flight or fight adrenaline.
I wish I would jump or go back to safe ground already.
The mirror and scale say two different things
So someone is lying.
It might just be me to myself but I’ll never know because I don’t trust myself to be dishonest.
I want the churning to stop
I want to slow down
I want to regain control of my breathing.
I look for a pulse everyday
And although I expect it to be off the charts
I never find it.
That must mean I’m dead, right?
I thought about all the veins in my body
The other day.
I would be a pulpy purple mess.
Maybe that happened.
Some of the capillaries in my eyes broke,
That was probably the start.
Every noise is an explosion
It breaks all my bones and
Leaves me clenching my jaw
And gritting my teeth.
Like 4 days ago I felt like the worst guitar player ever and now I’m like ‘wow how’d I get so amazing?’.
I feel like that 18 times a day.
Death doesn’t scare me
Wow love that 12 hour grind
Death is not real
Death is simply a transfer
From here to there.
Second hand compliments
Hand me down opinions
Soup for every alphabet
Would have everyone
Speaking the same language.
Just shut up
You fat assed bird
Flap flap flapping
Your fucking beak.
No one cares
Eat your seed
Squawk squawk squawking
Away my whole lunch hour
With pessimist gossipy birdshit.