Serotonin + Ma[n][g]ic
Movement.
The rise and fall of a chest,
Oxygen, nitrogen, hydrogen, helium, carbon dioxide
Running through airways like rivers,
Along with 100 billion other chemicals.
Cigarettes, dog shit, car exhaust, hyacinths, dead leaves, living leaves,
Sweat, anger, love, kettle chips,
Burning tires and blood.
Like Jazz thrown on paper; 7/16 time.
Spinning spitting whirlwind of a painting,
And you haven’t even begun to chisel the marble, I am.
To dig out the David, buried in my rib cage of bees.
Manic spending on new hobbies
Trying to fit them in between old hobbies,
And learning three languages
All separated by seas.
I’m not blind.
I see perfectly clear.
Out of time and Out of place.
So I work covertly and quietly.
Building the framework for new things,
Things I’m making for me instead of waiting on
U2 <spy planes> to see {from shining seas}.
My love is not made for sitting idly;
Because if idle hands are a devil’s plaything,
Then an idle heart must be a devil’s opportunity.
The Bible got it wrong, at Jesus’ birth there were 2 wisemen and 1 myrrh-man.
Hang Man
Habitual liar,
Flash flood of façades.
Dwindling fire,
Double the standard applause.
Ashamed empire,
Calculable costs.
Memories on a pyre,
Forgetting the cause.
I am a king.
I have power in my voice.
I have war in my fists.
I have wisdom in my soul.
I have judgement in my mind.
I have courage in my heart.
I will shape the world in my image.
I am a king.
Dancing in cinders
Covered in the ashes
Of patience and hope;
The remnants of a once glorious blaze.
Visage
There are ghosts in these walls.
I can feel their eyes on me.
I feel their hands grasping at my chest,
And I feel my soul trying to scream out for you
And I can feel the cold distant silence.
Like a candle burning it’s last bit of wax,
The wick flickering,
And then cool dark air slowly suffocates the flame.
Still.
Quiet.
Night.
Reflections
2018 was a very bad year for me. I have felt the lowest lows I’ve ever been to. I tore myself apart and have never felt more lonely. I have lost hope and my sense of purpose multiple times. My band fell apart. Friends and family have moved farther away from me. My grandfather died. The only thing that feels constant is my job, but it doesn’t bring me peace. I know reflecting solely on the negative is ill advised most times, but I also believe that when we experience extraordinarily difficult points the most positive thing we can do is look back at the hurt and loss we have traversed and at least understand that in spite of all of that, and for some reason, we’re still standing here. I guess here’s to hoping 2019 works out a little better for me.
Languished Walls
The times before I fall asleep
Are the worst times.
When the death still air
Holds black clouds in place
With dark blue-green skies behind them
Seeming to welcome in, an end to all things.
The silence is constricting,
Pressing the walls of my room tighter and tighter together;
Compressing my thoughts deeper and deeper into my head.
There is a legion of demons screaming so loudly
That it leaves a permanent tremor in my spine.
The moments before sleep are the worst,
Because the intangible creatures of thought run unfettered and wild
Through the forests of salt pillars
That dot the landscape of my mind.